I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever; Ae farewell and then forever!

Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

72 Days is now an official unit of time known as a Kardash.

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing, And like enough thou know'st thy estimate.

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

A divorce is like an amputation, you survive but there's less of you.

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Size isn't everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.

He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I shall ne'er be ware of mine own wit, till I break my shins against it.

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.

It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Failure is not our only punishment for laziness: there is also the success of others.

I wonder what Adam and Eve think of it by this time.

Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know?

A lot of people seem to want to make the institution of marriage substitute for a real relationship.

Marriage is the tomb of love.

My parents' long and happy marriage was a great ideal to live up to, but a tough one.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

I've always been wary of marriage.

I do not support a constitutional amendment to prohibit gay marriage.

My wife tells me she doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I'm not enjoying it.

Many marriages are simply working partnerships between businessmen and housekeepers.

Is there not a sort of remorse that precedes sin? Was it remorse at the very fact that I existed?

A person without regrets is a nincompoop.

I could have better spar'd a better man.

You might be looking for reasons but there are no reasons.

A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night.

I must dance barefoot on her wedding day, And, for your love to her, lead apes in hell.

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

That vague kind of penitence which holidays awaken next morning.

Oh, to be seventy again!

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.