In my wildest dreams I never thought - well, I never thought I'd work.

Nothing to me feels as good as laughing incredibly hard.

Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.

The Anger Management Tour was another beautiful thing. I loved that tour.

I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.

Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

You cannot get ahead while you are getting even.

I don't have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Upon what meat doth this our Caesar feed, That he is grown so great?

Things rank and gross in nature Possess it merely. That it should come to this!

Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.

A divorce is like an amputation, you survive but there's less of you.

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever; Ae farewell and then forever!

Let not England forget her precedence of teaching nations how to live.

I swear . . . if you existed I'd divorce you.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

I majored in animal husbandry in college, which is good, because I married a couple of pigs.

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing, And like enough thou know'st thy estimate.

I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

When I go to my live shows it's often a multigenerational audience, a family bonding experience.

There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the panoply of life's rich experience.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

If experience was so important, we'd never have had anyone walk on the moon.

Putting is like wisdom - partly a natural gift and partly the accumulation of experience.

Experience is no more transferable in morals than in art.

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.

You have to see a building to comprehend it. Photographs cannot convey the experience, nor film.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

The most lamentable comedy, and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisby.

Failure is not our only punishment for laziness: there is also the success of others.

The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

We have the best congressmen that money can buy.

When speaking, be sincere, be brief, and be seated.

Turn left at Greenland.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die.

Let me be, was all I wanted. Be what I am, no matter how I am.

Life is lived on the edge.

One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle.

Youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief.

The movement of life has to rest in its own music.

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

To educate a man is to unfit him to be a slave.

To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.

But whether a couple is a man and a woman has everything to do with the meaning of marriage.

My parents' long and happy marriage was a great ideal to live up to, but a tough one.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

Good production is like a beautiful marriage. It makes a happy home.

Marriage should be a duet - when one sings, the other claps.

But married once, a man is stak'd or pown'd, and cannot graze beyond his own hedge.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Gay marriage won't be more of an issue 25 years from now than interracial marriage is today.

To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

When someone tells me "no," it doesn't mean I can't do it, it simply means I can't do it with them.

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right.

Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds.

If I close my eyes and think of Hollywood, all I see is one big varicose vein.

The chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.

Oh, you aren't even ripe yet! I don't need any sour grapes.

Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.

Negative words are powerful boomerangs so be careful what you say about people and yourself.

The day after Christmas: When we all have two more ugly sweaters.

Second Place is just the first place loser.