A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

When I'm alone, I can sleep crossways in bed without an argument.

Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.

To be loved is a strength. To love is a weakness.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.

72 Days is now an official unit of time known as a Kardash.

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing, And like enough thou know'st thy estimate.

We ruined each other by being together. We destroyed each other's dreams.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

I swear . . . if you existed I'd divorce you.

I majored in animal husbandry in college, which is good, because I married a couple of pigs.

Life's a bitch. Then you marry one.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

I fart in your general direction. Your mother has a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.

I just celebrated my thirtieth birthday. Ten years late, but I did it.

I'd love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper.

Confidence is like going after Moby Dick with a rowboat, a harpoon and a jar of tartar sauce.

A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

The early bird gets the worm. I'd rather sleep in and have toaster muffins.